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I found my little field tonight
where a flicker works to glow
but forest arms spotlight just faded out drones

We know who you are and we’re pulling for you
but if you don’t step up someone else’ll take it soon

 The mulch and the grass you lay won’t roll.
It’s not like what’s below can see what you stole.
Caked mud and rock isn’t the same as water air.

So pretty please, if only for poor little me -
won’t you try and breathe up here in the heat?

Our Action Week feature is what I not-so-cleverly titled “Secret Staffer.” Seven of our contributors were randomly assigned to compare each other to an action movie or a component of an action movie…except myself. Hey, someone had to remain neutral for editing purposes!

Brendan Hilliard reviews Melly Corzo

Melly Corzo, beyond the shadow of a doubt, IS Beatrix Kiddo, the heroine (and chief ass-kicker) of Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill” series.

Why is this?

Like Beatrix, Melly has a look that can strike fear into the hearts of even the most grizzled warriors. When Melly’s serious, she means it. Don’t get in her way when she’s upset, or she’ll cut you down like the Crazy 88’s. I’m kidding … sort of.

But beyond that, like Kiddo, she’s got a kind heart beneath her tough exterior. She’s compassionate, trustworthy and will stop at nothing to accomplish her goals.

Oh, and she’s got a unique (and memorable) fashion style to boot.

Just be afraid if you see her with a notepad and marker.

Jenna Andriano reviews Andy Soderstrom

For some reason, ever since Andy Soderstrom told me the story of the time he tamed a lion with a bull whip while on a moving train during a Boy Scout outing, he’s always reminded me of Indiana Jones. I specifically chose “The Last Crusade” as the Andy Action Film because he’s a perfect combination of Indiana and his father, Dr. Henry Jones Sr. In fact, I imagine his internal monologue to be a near-continuous debate between Harrison Ford and Sean Connery’s voices.

There are few men who could flaunt a bull whip and fedora outside of Boystown; Andy is one of those men. He, like the father-son duo of “The Last Crusade,” hates the Nazis. Really, the similarities are endless, what with all the pseudo-suaveness mixed with blundering miscommunication, mixed with archaeology and world saving, and topped off with a surprisingly impressive soundtrack.

“The Last Crusade,” though an action movie, is both funny and occasionally insightful. Andy, a man of many words, gets lucky on occasion and pulls out gems on both sides of the spectrum. Therefore, I leave you with two examples of very different though both quintessentially “Andy” lines from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.”

Professor Henry Jones: My son, we’re pilgrims in an unholy land.

and

Indiana Jones: [to his father] I was just remembering the last time we had a quiet drink together. I had a milkshake.

Melly Corzo reviews Matt Strasser

In 1994, a Luc Besson action film titled “The Professional” was released internationally. It is about a hit man named Leon who ends up taking care of his 12-year-old neighbor Mathilda when crooked cops murder her family. She learns the tricks of being an assassin so she can avenge her brother’s death only to end up in the hands of his murderers. Leon, who is used to being on his own, feels connected to the girl and kills his way to rescue Mathilda, putting himself in danger.

Now Matt Strasser isn’t a hit man. At least … I hope not. But similarly to Leon he has a dark, poetic quality about him. Leon is a quiet man who keeps to himself and focuses on his job. He kills people but has a sense of morality. In his humble apartment he keeps one thing alive other than himself and it’s his beloved plant, a fern that he waters daily. His sleeping ritual consists of sitting upright on a loveseat with a hand on his gun at all times. That is, until Mathilda comes along.

Mathilda will stop at nothing to learn the ways of Leon. He reluctantly agrees only because her entire family was killed and she tugs at a part of him that has long been dormant. He’s sensitive and becomes tied to her. Much as Matt shows his insightful side in his poems, but Leon is also cunning and accurate. With each kill he teaches Mathilda what to do and how to effectively murder someone in the shortest amount of time. Matt is as intelligent as Leon with his bright ideas and quick reflexes. As professional as Leon and Matt are, both would probably be willing to sacrifice themselves for someone they cared about. In this instance, Leon is willing to put his simple life on the line for Mathilda.

When the final showdown arrives, things aren’t always as they seem. And neither is Matt Strasser.

Matt Strasser reviews Evan Thorne

No. Not a chance. Evan Thorne is not that vampire that oddly resembles the Governator in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN! He may not be that scary ass mother fucker, or the stubbly, studly Clooney … and definitely not the squirrelly Tarantino. Hell, if I had to compare Evan’s personality to a movie, it certainly wouldn’t be “From Dusk Till Dawn.” Why then, you ask? Look no further: bloodsucking vampires and boobies. Both kick a whole lot of ass and, well … if there are two things Evan can get behind, it’s vampires and boobies! Try to deny it. I dare you.

Evan Thorne reviews Andy Wyslotsky

Ever since I met Andrew Michael “Painter” Payton Wyslotsky, he’s always vaguely reminded me of Brendan Fraser–specifically, the Brendan Fraser from the 1999 remake of “The Mummy.”

Rick O’Connell is a reckless smartass who (usually) knows what he’s doing and is (more or less) a stand-up guy. But that’s not why I’m reminded of Andy when I see that movie. No, the real reminder is that time when Andy and I were downtown in Chicago and he saved me from a horde of mummies.

We were just south of the Loop, grabbing some Chinese food, when suddenly the air went cold. There were mummies in the air and we both knew it. Suddenly, the sidewalk erupted and at least six thousand mummies climbed out. I didn’t know what to do, but Andy pulled out an elephant rifle and opened fire. He took out at least a dozen, then they were upon us. He took the rifle and broke the stock over a mummy’s head, then rammed the jagged broken edge through another one’s sternum. Fifty or sixty were after me and all I had to defend myself was a pair of chopsticks, so Andy crawled over the heads of the horde, cracking each head with his massive steel-toed boots on the way, and using his extensive knowledge of Jujitsu, fought them off. At this point, the authorities had arrived and slapped us with some drug charges and arrested Andy for killing three stockbrokers, nine lawyers, a fashion consultant, twelve art students, a tugboat captain, a pee-wee soccer team and well over six hundred pigeons. But I’ll always remember him for what he was: a hero.

As a child I watched the same movies over and over; by the ripe age of 7 I had a keen sense of my own taste and felt no need to stray into other territory. That, or we had a very limited VHS collection and I lacked the means to explore other cinema. Regardless, my three favorite movies back then were “Beauty and the Beast,” “Gorillas in the Mist, ” and “Aliens.” As a result, two-thirds of the values and qualities I now strive for are based on Sigourney Weaver roles. Good thing, too.

There has always been a push to keep action films and children in separate rooms while “children’s movies” are shoved down our throats because they’re a “positive influence on a young person’s mind and upbringing.” But are they really? No, they’re not, and I’m living proof.

The mind of a child is pretty malleable. So much of one’s character is shaped early on, and it’s no surprise that intentional exposure to the “right” forms of entertainment is such a concern. Unfortunately, violence, foul language and tasteful boob shots got blacklisted early on as inappropriate. Fine, but just think of what children get instead; lies, horrible relationship advice and a false sense of magical possibilities.

That’s all I got from “Beauty and the Beast.” A Disney classic and it’s probably responsible for most ongoing physically abusive relationships of our generation. Correct me if I’m wrong but I recall the general message of the movie as: if you’re with a guy and he’s a total dick, just stick with it and he’ll shape up and be the perfect man. Belle gets a fairy tale ending and girls everywhere develop a subconscious assumption that if they give it one more shot their BF will turn into a prince, or at least stop hitting them.

Even disregarding the fabled subliminal porn drawn into most Disney movies, the obvious racism of most classic children’s movies and the overt stereotyping of gender even in today’s wholesome films, there’s inevitable disappointment set up for children. Let’s face it, in today’s fast-paced culture, kids need to grow up and realize the world isn’t filled with magical creatures – it’s filled with terrorists. Terrorists that must to be fought with futuristic Austrian cyborgs, ATVS and fabulous one-liners. Growing up I wasn’t sad because I was coming to terms with the idea there was no such thing as fairies, I was fucking relieved there were no murderous aliens laying their eggs in my chest, and if there were I could handle it myself – no fairy grandmother required.

I don’t know much about Sigourney Weaver as a real person, and I don’t care. All I know is the rolls she played in the late ’80s cemented her in my mind as the type of woman I wanted to be. A hard-as-nails no bullshit taking, (relative) hottie with brains to boot. Aliens will forever be one of my favorite action/sci-fi movies and I strive every day to be the type of woman who can handle herself in a tough situation, as long as that means strapping a grenade launcher/machine gun to a flame thrower and kicking some alien species’ ass.

“Gorillas in the Mist” – not quite an action movie, but it did involve machetes and violent gorilla poachers (another thing to watch out for in today’s world). In it, Weaver plays Diane Fossey, the famous scientist who was murdered because of her involvement with protecting an endangered species. The movie was pretty graphic, but because I saw it at a young age I was exposed to animal and human rights activism early on and since then my interest and indignant passion has only increased. “Free Willy” pales in comparison.

Action movies should be viewed by parents as training videos if they want a child who’s ready for anything. You don’t want to realize you failed at child rearing when son or daughter don’t know how to rescue you from the Russian mafia by causing an unreasonable amount of damage to public property with an inexplicable arsenal of weapons, all while an outdated soundtrack plays in the background, now do you?

I am a lady.

I watch smart movies, clever movies, empowering movies, dramatic movies … sometimes a musical or two. Not action movies.

It’s not on purpose – I’d just rather see the witty comedy than some ripped dude blowing shit up. This weekend, however, I found that blowing shit up is just as cool (if not cooler) as it sounds.

“Die Hard” was an obvious choice. It’s a classic, the all-mighty Bruce Willis is the star, and it’s fourth part comes out this week.

To my surprise, DH has more to offer than explosions and muscles. I have created a lovely alliteration of the four main ingredients: bombs and bullets, beauty, boobage and badassery.

The bombs and bullets are a given, I guess. Bruce Willis’ character John McClane is a NYPD cop and carries a gun. On a fucking plane. First sign that we’re definitely in the ’80s. The terrorists who take over John’s estranged wife Holly’s business are carrying machine guns that they use frequently. They’re also packing plastic explosives and some crazy huge gun thing that fucks up an armored car.

Beauty was the best “b”-word I could come up with to file the sentimental stuff that I love under. Of course, Holly and John have kids. Adorable ones that may or may not have started kindergarten. DH shows both parents on the phone with them, and has many shots of Holly’s desk adorned with photographs of the little ones. Also, there’s the will-they-or-won’t-they thingy thing between Holly and John. He didn’t run after her, does she miss him in Los Angeles? What’s up with that coke-snorting douchebag?

Now I ask you – what good are explosions if you don’t get to see anyone naked? Still good, but easily better with some skin. DH has a few random shots of such splendor. Holly’s business is having a party, and some woman is totally wasted off her face and making out with a guy. They stumble into Holly’s office once, and the next time we see them the woman is topless. When John is running around the building trying to save everything or whatev, he runs into some random porn hung up on a wall. This is shown at least twice. And if you’re picky like me, you’ll notice that after she’s taken hostage, Holly’s blouse is slightly askew, giving her a decent cleavage shot. These movies are aimed at men, mind you.

The greatest “b” of all, my dear readers, is DH’s sheer badassery. First off: Bruce Willis. That should say enough, but I’ll go on because before this movie I wouldn’t have cared either. His character John ends up barefoot for the vast majority of DH, thanks to a guy he talked to on a plane. That’s what you get for talking to strangers – bloody, cut-up feet that people can’t stand to look at. I’m getting creeped out just thinking about it. The limo driver Argyle is simply awesome. He’s very laid-back and just wants to hang out with John. He even waits in the parking garage for him in case Holly tells him to bugger off. Even better – he rocks the hell out in the parking garage. And later, Argyle runs into a bad guy. Hell yeah! And easily the baddest ass part is John McClane’s catch phrase: “Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.”

Apart from being incredibly entertained, I learned action movies aren’t to be shied away from. They have a place in cinema, and should be respected regardless of how ridiculous they may be. But action movies wouldn’t be the same if the foreign languages weren’t spoken poorly, men were stereotypically stubborn and if the badass didn’t get his lady back in the end.

Awww.

We enjoy action movies. There’s nothing like watching a solid ass kicking and stuff blowing up. With that, it’s the perfect time to present this week’s feature, Action Movies. With a slew of over-the-top, edge-of-your-seat flicks just about to be released, we here at obviate media. want to celebrate one of the most memorable and entertaining genres of film. So sit back, and enjoy the ride.