Our Action Week feature is what I not-so-cleverly titled “Secret Staffer.” Seven of our contributors were randomly assigned to compare each other to an action movie or a component of an action movie…except myself. Hey, someone had to remain neutral for editing purposes!

Brendan Hilliard reviews Melly Corzo

Melly Corzo, beyond the shadow of a doubt, IS Beatrix Kiddo, the heroine (and chief ass-kicker) of Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill” series.

Why is this?

Like Beatrix, Melly has a look that can strike fear into the hearts of even the most grizzled warriors. When Melly’s serious, she means it. Don’t get in her way when she’s upset, or she’ll cut you down like the Crazy 88’s. I’m kidding … sort of.

But beyond that, like Kiddo, she’s got a kind heart beneath her tough exterior. She’s compassionate, trustworthy and will stop at nothing to accomplish her goals.

Oh, and she’s got a unique (and memorable) fashion style to boot.

Just be afraid if you see her with a notepad and marker.

Jenna Andriano reviews Andy Soderstrom

For some reason, ever since Andy Soderstrom told me the story of the time he tamed a lion with a bull whip while on a moving train during a Boy Scout outing, he’s always reminded me of Indiana Jones. I specifically chose “The Last Crusade” as the Andy Action Film because he’s a perfect combination of Indiana and his father, Dr. Henry Jones Sr. In fact, I imagine his internal monologue to be a near-continuous debate between Harrison Ford and Sean Connery’s voices.

There are few men who could flaunt a bull whip and fedora outside of Boystown; Andy is one of those men. He, like the father-son duo of “The Last Crusade,” hates the Nazis. Really, the similarities are endless, what with all the pseudo-suaveness mixed with blundering miscommunication, mixed with archaeology and world saving, and topped off with a surprisingly impressive soundtrack.

“The Last Crusade,” though an action movie, is both funny and occasionally insightful. Andy, a man of many words, gets lucky on occasion and pulls out gems on both sides of the spectrum. Therefore, I leave you with two examples of very different though both quintessentially “Andy” lines from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.”

Professor Henry Jones: My son, we’re pilgrims in an unholy land.

and

Indiana Jones: [to his father] I was just remembering the last time we had a quiet drink together. I had a milkshake.

Melly Corzo reviews Matt Strasser

In 1994, a Luc Besson action film titled “The Professional” was released internationally. It is about a hit man named Leon who ends up taking care of his 12-year-old neighbor Mathilda when crooked cops murder her family. She learns the tricks of being an assassin so she can avenge her brother’s death only to end up in the hands of his murderers. Leon, who is used to being on his own, feels connected to the girl and kills his way to rescue Mathilda, putting himself in danger.

Now Matt Strasser isn’t a hit man. At least … I hope not. But similarly to Leon he has a dark, poetic quality about him. Leon is a quiet man who keeps to himself and focuses on his job. He kills people but has a sense of morality. In his humble apartment he keeps one thing alive other than himself and it’s his beloved plant, a fern that he waters daily. His sleeping ritual consists of sitting upright on a loveseat with a hand on his gun at all times. That is, until Mathilda comes along.

Mathilda will stop at nothing to learn the ways of Leon. He reluctantly agrees only because her entire family was killed and she tugs at a part of him that has long been dormant. He’s sensitive and becomes tied to her. Much as Matt shows his insightful side in his poems, but Leon is also cunning and accurate. With each kill he teaches Mathilda what to do and how to effectively murder someone in the shortest amount of time. Matt is as intelligent as Leon with his bright ideas and quick reflexes. As professional as Leon and Matt are, both would probably be willing to sacrifice themselves for someone they cared about. In this instance, Leon is willing to put his simple life on the line for Mathilda.

When the final showdown arrives, things aren’t always as they seem. And neither is Matt Strasser.

Matt Strasser reviews Evan Thorne

No. Not a chance. Evan Thorne is not that vampire that oddly resembles the Governator in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN! He may not be that scary ass mother fucker, or the stubbly, studly Clooney … and definitely not the squirrelly Tarantino. Hell, if I had to compare Evan’s personality to a movie, it certainly wouldn’t be “From Dusk Till Dawn.” Why then, you ask? Look no further: bloodsucking vampires and boobies. Both kick a whole lot of ass and, well … if there are two things Evan can get behind, it’s vampires and boobies! Try to deny it. I dare you.

Evan Thorne reviews Andy Wyslotsky

Ever since I met Andrew Michael “Painter” Payton Wyslotsky, he’s always vaguely reminded me of Brendan Fraser–specifically, the Brendan Fraser from the 1999 remake of “The Mummy.”

Rick O’Connell is a reckless smartass who (usually) knows what he’s doing and is (more or less) a stand-up guy. But that’s not why I’m reminded of Andy when I see that movie. No, the real reminder is that time when Andy and I were downtown in Chicago and he saved me from a horde of mummies.

We were just south of the Loop, grabbing some Chinese food, when suddenly the air went cold. There were mummies in the air and we both knew it. Suddenly, the sidewalk erupted and at least six thousand mummies climbed out. I didn’t know what to do, but Andy pulled out an elephant rifle and opened fire. He took out at least a dozen, then they were upon us. He took the rifle and broke the stock over a mummy’s head, then rammed the jagged broken edge through another one’s sternum. Fifty or sixty were after me and all I had to defend myself was a pair of chopsticks, so Andy crawled over the heads of the horde, cracking each head with his massive steel-toed boots on the way, and using his extensive knowledge of Jujitsu, fought them off. At this point, the authorities had arrived and slapped us with some drug charges and arrested Andy for killing three stockbrokers, nine lawyers, a fashion consultant, twelve art students, a tugboat captain, a pee-wee soccer team and well over six hundred pigeons. But I’ll always remember him for what he was: a hero.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 27th, 2007 at 12:00 am and is filed under Hero Worship, Profiles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.