So I was going to write my own eternal mixtape, but then I realized that I’d have much more fun writing it as my character Stache Thompson (who bears a striking resemblance to Tom Selleck). Here goes:
Eternal Mixtape by Stache Thompson (pictured below)
This is taken from the posthumously recovered journal of Stache Thompson, entitled “Stachetime”.
The two questions I’ve gotten the most throughout the years are:
1) What product do you use on your mustache to maintain such sheen and volume?
2) What are some songs that have shaped your life?
While I can’t give away any trade secrets on my amazing mustache (so quit asking), I can fill you in on the music question. Here are ten songs that have been important to me over the years:
“What a Fool Believes” by The Doobie Brothers
My favorite music genre has to be smooth music, which is epitomized by the hit song “What a Fool Believes”. Michael McDonald is one of the all-time great singer/songwriters, and he proves it on this hot track. I once listened to this song 280 times in a row while eating freeze pops. In retrospect, this may have been due to the fact that I was high on meth and stuck in a bout of repetitive motion. Still, it was better than scratching my face until it bleeds, right?
“Oh Sherry” – Steve Perry
This song is memorable to me because my ex-wife’s name is Sherry, and this was our song– until she gained 200 pounds, left me for a New Jersey bodybuilder, and raised our son as a douchebag. We heard this song on our third date, and we saw it as a sign. However, I should’ve seen it as a bad sign. I mean, the song itself was full of failure– Steve Perry’s relationship with a woman named Sherry could never have worked. If they got married, her name would’ve been Sherry Perry, which is the same as how my obese ex-wife looks in her leopard print leotard – ridiculous.
“Far From Over” by Frank Stallone
Intense piano and synth? Check. Tension-riddled lyrics? Check. Performed by the brother of Sylvester Stallone? Check.
This song passes my 3 question test, and is therefore a great tune. I remember putting this on my “Stachetime 1986: Lovemaking Hitz” mixtape, even though I was often accused by my partners of false advertising.
4) “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money
This song was a karaoke favorite of my friend Russ Gold, saxophone player extraordinaire, and mine. I’d do lead vocals while he would jump in on the sax solo. Not a single woman at the Rosati’s “Karaoke & ‘Za” could resist that combination. Seriously, women can’t resist a good sax solo. Look at Kenny G – do you know how much tail he gets?!
“Dangerzone” by Kenny Loggins
First off, let me just say that this is the theme song to Top Gun, which is in my holy trinity of films (the other two are Three Men and a Baby and Amateur Bikini Babes 11). That movie was so righteous that I was able to overlook the fact that the leading actor didn’t have a mustache. If you didn’t like the film, then you are obviously a crazy person (unlike the movie’s leading actor, Tom Cruise). Anyway, I recall playing this song late at night while cruising for tail in the seedy sections of Miami (this sometimes took awhile because I liked to “comparison shop”, which I found allowed me to get the best prices). Good times.
“The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats
I used to think that this song was about wearing a condom during sex, but upon seeing the music video, I realized that it meant so much more. This song empowered the little people community to new heights of greatness. The little dwarf in that video danced how he wanted to, even if his little arms and legs made the whole scenario quite hilarious to the rest of us. When I think of how hard the dwarf in that video must’ve worked to get to the top (figuratively, obviously), it motivates me to work harder.
Side note: I’ve gone to some pretty crazy parties throughout the years in Miami, and I’ve partied with A LOT of dwarves. They don’t appreciate being asked to dress like the guy from this video, but it’s fun to do it anyway.
“Higher Love” by Steve Winwood
This song has meant many things to me over the years. First, I’m pretty sure that it is about the love that a man can have with his mustache. The love that I have for my mustache far outweighs any other love that I’ve ever experienced. In a lesser way, however, it’s been a kind-of theme song for my coke and hookers habit.
“I’m Too Sexy” – Right Said Fred
When I first heard this song in ’92, I couldn’t believe my ears. Right Said Fred had written a song about me, but they tried to apply it to themselves. I promptly called my lawyer to see if I had a case. He said no. I then got a sleazier lawyer who’d take the case, and we brought it before Right Said Fred’s representatives. We laid out the facts that: 1) I’m too sexy for my hat, 2) I’m too sexy for my cat, and 3) I’m too sexy for Milan… Milan, New York, AND Japan. Clearly this song was based on me, and I deserved compensation. We eventually agreed on a $5,000 settlement, which was promptly spent on lawyer fees and blow.
Overall, I felt that taking legal action was important. Artists like Right Said Fred need to realize that they can’t go around writing songs about people without consent. The same goes for Carly Simon – I’m still trying to figure out why she wrote a song about me.
“Book of Days” – Enya
I got into a really weird phase in ’93. I was stuck in a rut, and I ended up joining a cult where we listened to a lot of new-age music, dressed in white linen robes, and worshipped crystals. I thought that I had finally found my path in life. Unfortunately, I was kicked out of the cult 3 days in when I tried to smoke some of the crystals. Now, whenever I hear this song, I recall fondly the brief time in my life when I was a Crystaleer (we had to stop using the term Crystal-lite after we got sued by Crystal Lite ®).
“I Gotta Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas
Last time I saw my orange-skinned, spikey-haired, douchebag son, Goose (he was named after a character from Top Gun, which I’ve already mentioned is one of the greatest films of all time) he couldn’t stop playing this song. This has to be one of the worst songs of all-time, but I suppose it’s fitting since Goose is one of the worst sons of all time. The little bastard has taken to waxing his chest so that he can be the exact opposite of me. I’m starting to doubt that he’s even my son– maybe Sherry is pulling one over on me so that I pay her child support? Well, “I gotta feeling” that I’m going to get a DNA test, because there’s no way that any son of mine would wear Ed Hardy clothes and have tribal tattoos.